I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
