Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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