I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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