six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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