Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
