Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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