i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
