Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
