dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
