You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
