Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
