I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
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The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
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I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
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