Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I could make wine with my vomit
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
