A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
