woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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