Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
