I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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