Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
