Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
