dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
