I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
