did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You can't motorboat a personality
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
