There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
