I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
