I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
