I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
