Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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