I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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