Is it normal to miss your booty call?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
