You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
