So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
