There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
