he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
