there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
