i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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