it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
