Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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