I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
This is my gift to your gina
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
