Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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