Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Text me some of your sweat
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
