Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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