I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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