Got a toothbrush?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
