Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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