life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Randomize
