I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The struggles of a small town man whore
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
