Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
