Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
