I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
