Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
