She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
