I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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