Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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