hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
