so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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