I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
