he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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