She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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