You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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